The past couple of days I’ve notice myself leaking something about marriage counseling out in different conversations. Nothing awkward, just a simply phrases like, “Oh, I can’t get together tonight, the wife and I have counseling at eight.”.
After saying anything about counseling, let alone marriage counseling, you’ll almost always notice a quick, “I wonder if he’s having trouble in his marriage” kind of look.
I don’t think much of the casual words because it’s not anything to worry about. However, stepping back, I can see how awkward my casual words may be to a person receiving them.
So the wife and I go to marriage counseling and no we’re not having trouble in our marriage. We’re not anywhere close to the “D” word and aren’t staying up all night pissy at each other.
Marriage counseling is also about teaching people to dig deeper into their relationship and helping one another figure out how each party thinks in different situations.
This may all sound weird to those of you that aren’t married, and to be honest, it sounded weird to me at first too. It’s not and I would highly recommend doing it within your first year of marriage.
You may already have great communication with your spouse (Jodi and I did/do) but there are a lot of things that are still confusing about the opposite sex. Learning the primary skills of feeling words instead of thinking words or understanding the differences in perception during the same event. It’s all very interesting to say the least.
So don’t worry about the misses and me - we’re doing fine. Of course, we’ll still have an argument or two and be introduced to high levels of frustration with each other, but that’s all common and to be expected.
posted on October 18, 2004 | 10:41 PM EST
Add to the discussion.
I affirm marriage counseling. Julie and I had some very helpful counseling. It was required for us but in retrospect I would have done it anyway. Even if a couple is totally compatible it is valuable to hear relational advice articulated so that you are conscious of the different ways you argue, for instance. So good for you, Schaaps. If you’re not continually working on improvement, then you are probably not improving. And if there is a really loud lawnmower outside your window, you may not be hearing your music very well.
That link was funny. I liked it.
I would also like to affirm counselling before and after marriage. Robyn and I had premarital counselling and it was so much fun we went back for more about a year into our marriage :) OK, well, maybe it wasn’t fun but it was helpful.
I’ll say something scary now: I don’t think it’s possible to always “love” your spouse. Take a deep breath, relax, I probably don’t mean exactly what you’re thinking. What I do mean is that there have are really bad days when both of us wonder what we got ourselves into. We think, “This person is unlovable - how can I love this person?”
What I want to say is I don’t think this is abnormal - or even a big reason for concern if you can ask yourself this next question: do I want to love this person? For me at least the answer to this question is easily yes.
I mean I’ve made a commitment to this woman for the rest of my life not loving her for the rest of the time we’re together sounds like a really depressing option. That plus all the many other reasons I have to love her lead me to the conclusion that working on loving her is better than not. And once you’ve taken that first step away from “this person is unlovable” to “I need to find a way to love this person” each successive step is easier.
So maybe now you’re thinking, “Wow, now I really know why they went to counselling” :) OK, well, whatever. I figure being honest about the challenges of marriage is better than keeping them in a dark closet. Love & marriage is hard work but it’s worth every effort.
Shmuel - Thank you for your comments, they are oh-so-true. The other thing people need to know is that (Marriage) counseling should be proactive, not re-active.
And although it is hard work at times to be married, there are many times in which it is more than worth it.
cooper Says:
I affirm marriage counseling. Julie and I had some very helpful counseling. It was required for us but in retrospect I would have done it anyway. Even if a couple is totally compatible it is valuable to hear relational advice articulated so that you are conscious of the different ways you argue, for instance. So good for you, Schaaps. If you’re not continually working on improvement, then you are probably not improving. And if there is a really loud lawnmower outside your window, you may not be hearing your music very well.
That link was funny. I liked it.